God on the Couch
“God’s here again Dr. Tannenbaum.”
“Oh dear. Show him in Miss Partridge.”
“He set fire to the chair again.”
“Thank God we have insurance… Ah hello Jeho…”
“Don’t use my name.”
“Sorry. So what have you been doing for the last week?”
“Well I created a heaven and an earth…”
“Of course you did. In seven days.”
“Six. On the seventh…”
“You rested, of course. So what seems to be the problem?”
“Nobody believes in me anymore.”
“Come now that’s not true…”
“I remember when I was the most popular thing on the planet. People feared me then, they really feared me.”
“Well you moved in a mysterious way.”
“Oh that was just an accident, I sprained my ankle creating a giraffe, they’re tricky things.”
“You asked your followers to kill their children.”
“Only Abraham. And that was just a gag.”
“Well you were pretty scary with all that Hell thing.”
“Yes that was good wasn’t it. They really feared that. Eternal damnation, what a concept.”
“So what went wrong?”
“Science. I told them to burn that Galileo, but the Inquisition was useless.”
“But now surely we have science we see Galileo was right.”
“What’s right got to do with it? I’m God. I made it all happen.”
“The night before the 23rd October 4004 B.C.?”
“Yes. It was a Tuesday I remember it well. I thought I’ll just pop out and let there be a bit of light, and then I started to tinker around and in a week I’d created all the heaven and the earth and all the living creatures therein and the waters and the trees and the animals, and then I created Adam and Eve. And then I rested.”
“That’s not strictly true is it?”
“Yes it is. It’s in the Bible.”
“Look Jeho…”
“Don’t use my name.”
“Every schoolboy knows that 13.6 billion years ago the entire Universe exploded out of a microscopic atomic singularity which contained all the matter and enough energy for the whole expanding Universe.”
“And they say my version is hard to believe!”
“Have you been taking the Prozac?”
“No I couldn’t find any water. My Son keeps changing it into wine.”
“How is He?”
“Well He’s half the problem, with all that peace and love bull. Christians want guns, semi-automatic weapons. Fear is what they love. But no, my Son has to be some kind of hippie appealing to a new generation. Forgiveness? I never forgive. Turn the other cheek? Crazy. Sin? I invented it. Why would I forgive it? It made the Church a fortune.”
“Have you ever thought of PR?”
“That’s what the Pope does.”
“Sadly the Pope needs his own PR, they’re up to their hassocks in law suits. Have you ever considered a Make Over?”
“What?”
“Change the costume, find a decent PR firm, go on Oprah, cry a little, maybe shave, dye the grey hair, you look like you just wandered in out of the Desert. And ditch the sheet. Go to Gap and get some Daks and lose the sandals, they are so not today.”
“I’m not going on Oprah.”
“Well Doctor Phil, he’s right up your alley.”
“I’ve got plans for him.”
“Alright then Kimmel, show the lighter side of yourself. Ferguson’s great with guests.”
“How about Letterman?”
“Not right now, wrong for your image. Dave is too revered. You’ll come off looking second best.”
“But I started the Top Ten List.”
“Of course you did and the Ten Commandments are still really good, but they need updating. No one covets ox and sheep anymore. Maybe a new Aston Martin…”
“Leno?”
“Almost certainly won’t have you, unless you have a Sitcom on NBC.”
“Fox?”
“They have an exclusive contract with the Devil.”
“How about E?”
“Chelsea won’t take you. She thinks you’re against women.”
“I am. I don’t know why I created them, they’ve been nothing but trouble.”
“How about a few Website appearances, maybe Nerdist and Reddit, do a Podcast, you should have a Twitter account, certainly Facebook, and they may be able to get you on the Simpsons.”
“Look I’m God, I don’t want to be on a stupid cartoon show. Doesn’t anybody Fear Me anymore? I get no respect.”
“Don’t use that phrase, it’s a Rodney Dangerfield line.”
“A philosopher?”
“A comedian.”
“That was my big mistake, permitting comedy.”
“I’m sorry Time’s up.”
“I created Time.”
“Just take the Prozac and I’ll see you next week. And do you mind not setting fire to the furniture on the way out?”
