HUDSON So you see Inspector, it is Helena’s piano.
INSPECTOR How very touching. It reminds me of a wee ballad from my childhood called The Lonely Trout
WHOOPSIE Is he going to tell an anecdote?
MAGGIE Worse, I think he’s going to sing.
INSPECTOR Give me a C Chord Miss Schlegel.
WHOOPSIE Oh good grief. Is there to be no end?
MAGGIE No but there might be an intermission shortly.
 
Song The Lonely Trout

INSPECTOR 1
From the heelan hills and rills o bonnie Scotland
Fra the bogs and fogs and soggy lochs and braes
From the moontin tops where lonely jocks drink whiskey
To the dingy pond wherein the lone trout plays.
There was once a laddie wandered wi his lassie
When she told him that her love for him was dead.
As she left this lonely boy
Who’d now lost his only joy
The trout raised his head and this is what he said:

O rum ti tumti
Tickle yer monkey
Tickle di didle doo
Rumpy pumpy
Humpty dumpty
Tickle yer tivey too
Oh hankie pankie
Winkie wankie
Diddle de didle doo
Rinky dinky
Tiddley winky
Nicky nacky noo
the noo the noo the noo the noo the noo

O muckety buckety
Shmackety crackety
Sings the lonely trout
Tiggly wiggly
Higgly piggly
What is life about?
Mickety pickety
Wickety lickety
She was just a slut
Find yourself another lass
A nicer piece of butt.

Two Dancing Trout girls enter as the Words are lowered and the Audience sing along.
 
Oh packety wackety
Nickety nackety
Sings the lonely trout
Splickety wickety
Pickety nickety
What is life about?
Shackety mackety
Thwackety crackety
She was just a slut
Find yourself another lass
A nicer piece of butt.

INTERMISSION