A lot of people in this country pooh-pooh Australian table wines.
This is a pity, as many fine Australian wines appeal not only to the
Australian palate, but also to the cognoscenti of Great Britain.

Blacktown Bordeaux is rightly praised as a peppermint-flavored burgundy,
whilst a good Sydney Syrup can rank with any of the world’s best sugary
wines.
Chateau Bleu too has won many prizes, not least for its taste
and its lingering after burn.
Old Smokey 1968 has been compared favorably to a Welsh Claret, whilst the Australian Wino Society
thoroughly recommends a 1978 Cote du Rod Laver, which believe me, has a
kick on it like a mule. Eight bottles of this and you’re really finished.
At the opening of the Sydney Harbor Bridge Club, they were fishing them out of the
main sewers every half an hour.

Of the sparkling wines, the most famous is Perth Pink.
This is a bottle with a message in and the message is “Beware.”
This is not a wine for drinking. This is a wine for laying down and avoiding.
Another good fighting wine is Melbourne Old and Yellow, which is particularly heavy and
should be used only for hand-to-hand combat.
Quite the reverse is true of Chateau Chunder, which is an Appellation Controlee specially grown for
those keen on regurgitation.
A fine wine which really opens up the sluices at both ends.

Emetic fans will also go for a Hobart Muddy, and a prize-winning Cuvee Reserve
Chateau Nuit St. Wogga Wogga, which has a bouquet like a fast bowler’s
armpit.*

*This joke has been changed to recognize the amazing fact that while batting and facing the terrifying fast bowling of Thomo and Lillee in the 80’s David Gower would recite this sketch to himself!

The Address to the Weetabix.
Candacraig – August 1999

Fair fa your honest crunchy face
Great chieftain o’ the breakfast place
Yon Weetabix wi’ prickly bricks
Wi’ milk poured ower
Tae mek a grizzly mix.

Yon hairy food for thee I do forsake
The coco-pop and lowly corn flake
Yea hairy food, rude and no disgrace
Like a beard on a Scotsman’s face
Yon mucky muesli is far too foreign
Give me the food that looks like a sporran

Though we acknowledge the fabled porridge
And raise a dram to cheery Spam
There’s nobbit pleases wee Billy and Pam
Than Weetabix served by the gram (with a dram)

Yea muesli now that’s foreign muck
That looks like straw and tastes like.. f… duck
And yoghurt yuck it’s vile and bitter
And has a use that’s far more fitter
Let me add one final bitching
What can one say about a breakfast food
That cures vaginal itching?

A poet might well become depressed
To find a food category Robin Williams
Hasn’t already addressed
So here’s my broken shredded wit
The Weetabix is aptly fit
To grace our table aye so sweet
God bless us all and shredded wheat.

Eric Idle