Master Idle newly returned from London to these former Colonies to tell the world by this Express of my most amazing Travels to a distant frozen Land, where the People speak English almost as well as in ye Beverly Hills, and where they celebrate the ancient tradition of Christenmas, whereby they get very drunk and exchange gifts and occasionally blows, and sing a lot about starry nights and little infants, and peace on earth and good will to all men, whereupon they exchange further blows and kick a ball about, which  I was informed was an ancient game with them, called Ye Rugy Foot, whereby thirty men chase up and down a field and endeavor to kick each other, and some were white and roundly cheered and some were called Ye Alle Blacques and were soundly kicked about.   And there was much singing of an ancient anthem “Swing Low Sweet Chariot, Coming for to Carry Me Home” but such a vehicle I could for the life of me not discern and they largely went home in Buses.

Upon my arrival I did find lodgings near to ye ancient Saint James’s Palace, where I might the more easily walk about the Piccadilly gazing at the shop widows, and visiting ye ancient Chop Houses of Ye Caprice, and Mister Sheekey’s Fish Emporium and Ye ancient House of Ivy.   Here indeed the streets were filled with lights and the Shoppes and the Emporiums bursting forth with pretty things and a multitude of passers-by passed up and down the streets at all hours of the day and night, wrapped in great coats, and apple cheeked, searching for ye Apple Shoppes and I passed through some areas that they called Soho, where many pretty girls did call to me to come inside and play with them, and yet I durst not for Fear of God, and Mine own Wife, who has ofttimes warned me of these frolicsome miftresses and the trappes they lay for the innocent voyager to deprive him of his gold and give him Herpef.

Oft-times I visited the Theater where Master Roylance and Master Fry performed the splendors of Master Shakespeare’s exceedingly droll comedy for Twelfe Night, which did bring me much mirth and merriment, for some were men dressed up as women and some were men dressed up as women who then dressed up again as men, and there was much joy and laughter and confusion.  And on another Night I did enjoy ye Master Russell Beale dressed moft amufingly as several diverse women, who did then discourfe on the sad nature of love in song and dance with Ye Privates on Parade, and there was much banging of guns and rushing about.  Thereto I saw the ancient Tragedy of Spamalot as performed by the Ambassadors Men at the Playhouse which was greeted with merriment and always looking on Ye Bright Side, which is an axiom with them whenever things become totally insupportable.

The whole town was dressed for the Season, singing ye Carols in the ftreets and filling the Alehouses with the jollities of  what they call Christenmas, somewhat like our Honiker Festival, where people send each other large Boxes to be returned to the shoppes upon Boxing Day, for the which reason no man might discern.

Indeed I saw many sights and wonders in the ancient British Capitol, the which alike alternately gladdened my heart, and sometime filled me with dread, for the Newspapers of which there are a Multitude on this odd Isle, were filled with Great Tales of Woe that they may in future not be allowed to write whatever they see fit about whomsoever they care to abuse, which is held to be a great freedom for them, and without the which honest right to purfue and print the most amazing made-uppe stories ye Civilifation will crumble and fall into the Thames.

But nothing prepared me for the mysteries of ye Courts, where I attended several days in a row to watch the discussion of a great Mystery.   For there in the Inns of Court I saw a multi headed Python exhibited openly, and some did argue that there were Seven heads and some said nay there were but Six, and yet none could decide for the evidence was exceedingly old and all wore wigs and the Festive Season being pressing the Argument was set down to be continued at some future time for the entertainment of ye Barristers and folicitors, and the ruination of all.

And so I shipped home, marvelling that such a people could exist on so far a frozen platform, and I declare this to be a true and honest account of my recent time spent among ye British.

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