In Me Own Words
The Rock and Roll Memoirs of Eff “Stiffie” Steffham.
When this autobiography was first mooted, people laughed. Eff hasn’t even read a book they said, let alone written one, but as I said to my publisher, if I’m gonna have me own autobiography, which tells me own story in me own words, I want somebody good to write it. So that is why my first words are to thank Ian Scramm for helping me wiv all the boring bits of an autobiography, like writing it down and typing it up. Wivout him I couldn’t have written this book. It’s my name on the cover and I remember everyfing. People say “Oh Eff, he can’t remember nuffing because of all that stuff he took to help him play guitar so loudly” but that is not true. I only took medicine to help me stand up. I have spent a lot of time lying down in my career, thanks to the various medications that I was forced to take by the stresses of society, but people don’t realize that it’s not easy to take all the drugs, all the sex and all the money, without napping a bit on stage, and yes it used to annoy the others, but it was me people came to see fall over. And nowadays people look up to me; at least when I’m standing up.
Looking back on it I’ve bin pretty lucky. But it couldn’t have happened to a nicer bloke. Or a prettier. Nature has been very kind to me, and I have bin described as having the face of an angel, and the balls of a racehorse. Or was it the face of a racehorse and the brains of an angel? No, that was Celine Dior. Still in rock and roll it doesn’t hurt to look good and without me The Knobs would never have got nowhere, because it was me that created the name The Knobs. Well I wrote the first half anyway. “It’s got to be the something” I said, and thank heaven they listened to me for once. I don’t know why, but some inner voice, call it God if you like, was telling me that somefing very big was about to happen. Somefing in its way as big as the discovery of gravity by Stephen Hawking, who is a big Knob fan by the way and has both our albums, including the very hard to find Strangling the Badger, which many people have credited wiv helping him discover Black Holes. And that wouldn’t surprise me at all because we discovered so many black holes between here and Maidenhead. Of course it all started wiv Iron Midden, they were heavy shit. But even without them, and our accidentally borrowing a few of their songs The Knobs would still have been something that they are today.
Nowadays almost every jumped up prat in rock and roll is publishing an autobiography and some of them don’t even have the decency to pay a writer, they just do it theirselves. Cheapskate bastards. At least Ian bothered to do research, and wait till I was awake and then talk to everyone I reckon I ever knew, and yes we teased him a little by setting fire to him now and again and throwing him off the boat in Crete, but he recovered very well, and took it all in good heart, because he knew we were only playing, and we all wish him well, and hope he’ll be out of hospital soon. Anyway the book’s almost done, the cover looks great, and there only remains the heavy bits like reading it, and being on the telly selling it, which I am quite looking forward to. But it has been a long hard road, and mercifully Ian has been down every highway and written it all down in me own words. Now I expect he’ll want money. But that’s people innit. They always want a piece of yer. As I say in me song, life has a way of biting you in the bum. And that’s become an anthem. So, I hope you’ll buy both our old albums, and maybe even come and see us on the road, who knows: I might fall over!
Cheers mate
Steff.
c) Eff Steffham. 32 Tax Haven Street, Willesden.
Tour dates: (not yet confirmed.)
The Wordsworth Centre, Lake Windermere
Redditch Cemetery.
Parkhurst Prison, for a reunion with Soggy.
The Mud Festival Wales
Burning Itch Outdoor Weekend
The Concert for the Poor (cancelled due to lack of sales.)
