Merkel Tapes
NSA Transcript MOST Secret 54/6AT/900042/367bb 10/17/ 13
10.42 a.m. CET
VOICE: Chancellor.
SUBJECT: Ja.
VOICE: It’s Steffen.
SUBJECT: Steffen I’m busy.
VOICE: Angela, this is urgent.
SUBJECT: Surely it can wait till the Security Review this afternoon?
VOICE: I’m afraid not.
SUBJECT: But I’m on a call to Hollande. He’s such a schmuck. He thinks if you can’t cook
it or schtup it you should cut it. That’s his economic policy. He’s such a dork…
VOICE: Madame Chancellor I have to warn you….
SUBJECT: He’s so dumb he couldn’t find his ass in the dark on his own. Luckily he’s French
so he doesn’t have to. (Laughs loudly.)
VOICE: Madame Chancellor….
SUBJECT: I’d give him a dildo for his birthday but he’s already married to one…(laughs.)
VOICE: Stop talking!
SUBJECT: Vas?
VOICE: Shut up already. I’m very sorry Madame Chancellor, but this is not a secure line.
VOICE: This is my cell phone Steffen. You gave it to me. You’re telling me it’s not secure?
VOICE: That is what I’m saying. You are being tapped.
SUBJECT: By whom?
VOICE: The Americans.
SUBJECT: Scheissdumbfer (incomprehensible.)You’re telling me nice Obama is tapping my cell phone?
VOICE: NSA.
SUBJECT: Americanskimittelschmerzscheiss…. (incomprehensible obscure German slang,
involving dogs, pork and a football team.)
VOICE: Be careful what you say Angela. Look what they did to Strauss-Kahn.
SUBJECT: Scheiss.
VOICE: I’m bringing you a new phone. Destroy that one.
Hang up.
NSA Transcript MOST Secret 54/6AT/900042/367bb 10/17/ 13 10.51a.m. CET
VOICE: Gentlemen Anonymous.
SUBJECT: Can I speak to Jean-Marc?
VOICE: Who is this?
SUBJECT: This is….uh..Fifi.
VOICE: Fifi baby! What’s up? I’ll get the KY.
SUBJECT: Nein.
VOICE: You sound tense.
SUBJECT: Tense? I’m furious.
VOICE: Jean-Marc knows how to relax you liebchen..
SUBJECT: Not now.
VOICE: Surely Fi-fi has time for a quickie?
SUBJECT: Nein. This has to stop. It never happened.
VOICE: But what about last week when I was the Butler and you were taking a bath
and I brought in a new loofah and you asked me to scrub….
SUBJECT: Halt! Stop! That never took place.
VOICE: But you said it was the most relaxing phone sex you’d ever…
SUBJECT: Nein. That was not me. Someone stole my phone.
VOICE: You still owe me 2,000 Euros…
SUBJECT: Goodbye Jean-Marc.
Hang up.
NSA Transcript MOST Secret 54/6AT/900042/367bb 10/17/ 13 10.55 a.m. CET
SUBJECT: Mr. Cameron?
VOICE: Madame Chancellor. Have you heard the latest one about the Republicans?
Apparently Jesus visited their caucus and they asked him to stop being
so negative about the rich, and not to bang on about the sick and the poor.
SUBJECT: Stop. I have to warn you..
VOICE: Then they asked him to turn the water into Tea!
SUBJECT: Listen. David. This is a heads up. The Americans are tapping my phone.
VOICE: You’re kidding.
SUBJECT: Perhaps they’re tapping yours.
VOICE: Whatever for?
SUBJECT: Trust me. You may only be British Prime Minister but even you are of interest to the NSA.
VOICE: Wow. This is just like the Murdoch days.
Hang up.
NSA Transcript MOST Secret 54/6AT/900042/367bb 10/17/ 13 10.58a.m. CET
VOICE: This is the White House.
SUBJECT: This is the Head of the German Democratic Republic….
VOICE: The Government is currently shut down. All calls are being diverted.
Please leave a message.
SUBJECT: This is Angela Merkel and you had better bring a ton of Obamacare pronto
because this lady is going to make the Iron Lady look like the tooth fairy.
Thatcher could be a bitch but you have no idea what I can do you
verfuchtenscheisse… (incomprehensible German slang.) This is what I think of you.
Toilet flush.
Transcript ends.
