Chapter Four: Still here. 

The fourth day of this damn Tour diary and I still haven’t left home.

Yes, I’m still here.

Pathetic isn’t it?

Apparently it doesn’t actually start until the 25th of February on the Gold Coast, and I’ve obviously been preparing to leave for too long. But at least my wife has noticed that I am leaving. She’s started saying things like “I’m going in to Beverly Hills. I’m really going to miss you.”

“But you’re only going to Beverly Hills.”

“No you idiot. When you’re gone.”

I really leave on Monday. Grammy night. Mercifully I shall miss the Academy Awards. There’s nothing I like more than missing Award Shows. I find them tedious. And of no value. In fact the only Awards of any value are the ones they give me. Although I do like the Grammys. At least they perform. They should make some of those bearded repeat Oscar winners (“This is his 32 Oscar for sound effects editing and he still hasn’t shaved…”) they should make them sing or something. Anyway for me this year it’s just an honour not to be nominated, although after 39 years I feel I might qualify for a wifetime achievement award.

What has left is my guitar, in its brand new custom-made shipping case, which I had specially made. . It looks like this:
  

 Beautiful isn’t it? 
I wish they could make one for me to be shipped in.

I shan’t meet up with this lovely Taylor until the appropriately named Gold Coast.

I was given my first Taylor guitar by Clint Black after he recorded The Galaxy Song. He didn’t like singing “Whenever life gets you down Mrs. Brown” and he asked me to write him a new Intro. I wrote him a kind of cowboy opening and we recorded it together in his home studio in his marbled palace in LA.

When you’re feeling inside out and insecure

And life keeps getting you down

When all life’s daily worries

Hurry through your head

You don’t wanna even get up

You just lie around in bed

When you feel you just can’t take it anymore

And you wonder what on earth it is all for

Your love life’s like a war zone

Your TV’s on the blink

It’s enough to drive a drinking man

To stop and take a think.

    

Recorded with Clint Black for Delectrified in 1999

I think we even sang it together at a Grammy event on a tennis court for Music Cares. Later he flew me down to the Taylor factory, in a tiny private plane, where we were shown around the factory and then taken to the board room to meet Bob. Here they broke out the guitars and we played. It was the nicest corporate experience. We got to try a variety of their latest instruments.

Taylor have always kindly looked after me on the road, and they supplied two very nice guitars for JCAEITAALFTVFT which is the handy little acronym I have invented to remember our tour title: John Cleese and Eric Idle Together Again At Last for The Very First Time.

It has been nominated for longest title in an old farts on the road tour.

In case you are having trouble with the acronym here’s an easy way to remember it.

Julius Caesar always eyes Italian totty and adores lovely females to very frequently touch.

That will help you remember JCAEITAALFTVFT and then it’s a simple matter of substituting letters.

As well as the guitar I have shipped shipping three outfits for the stage and a Tour travel bag filled with Teas*, Tea making devices, make up and two outback corky hats, because of course we shall be doing the Bruces for the very first time in Australia.

*Lapsang Sou Chong, Buddha’s Cup, Genghis Khan and another first flush Darjeeling.

We may have to censor ourselves a little as I think Rule 4 “No Pooftah’s” is probably incorrect. I certainly cut it from my 2003 tour. Yes I know it’s satire on the then (70’s) over blokish culture of the drinking Australian male, but things have come a very long way since then, and thank heaven for it.

King Lear to Jester: Shut up that’s incorrect.

Which reminds me that once Prince Charles asked me to become his jester. He really did. He was choking with laughter at Billy Connolly’s Scottish house over dinner, with Robin Williams and Steve Martin so I must have got off a good one.

“Eric” he said with tears in his eyes “You should become my jester.”

“Now why would I want a fucking awful job like that?” I said, which set him off even more.

I actually think it was a perfect jester’s response. Reminding the Prince of how unenviable his position really is. Even the fucking jester doesn’t want the job….

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